Day 416: Where do I fit in?

This is something I have thought about a lot. My place among people. Where exactly do I fit in? Do I need to fit in? Well, yes. Don’t we all need to feel that we belong somewhere? Maybe not even all the time, I’m quite fine by myself as well. But still, I do want to belong somewhere, to go somewhere and spend time with other people that make me feel good. The thing with me is that my personality is very adaptable. I blend in. I adjust depending on the environment and the people around me. This is my super power. However, it is also a bit superficial. Once I walk out of the room, I forget about it. Possibly, they forget about me too. I am not going very deep in all life situations. In some, I do, and these are the ones that make me feel the most alive. So, who are my people? Which social groups do I spend my time with?


The people I work with are a cool bunch and we do have some points of contact. These are the people who understand IT, who understand what I am doing all day long, who know how the coffee tastes that we all drink. We sometimes play board games together. We laugh at lunch times. We especially enjoy the Friday lunch that the company pays for, it’s the socialising prime time at work. I do tell them bits and pieces of my life, mostly sports-related. However, we don’t spend time together outside working hours (yet? I’m still new here). I don’t tell them about my desires or fears. Things about my personal life? Well, I talk about my cats.

Burlesque group

I have taken a break from burlesque for February and March because I wanted to focus on gym and my brain kind of needed a break as well + I’ll spend most of March in Portugal in a running camp anyway. The burlesque girls are the ones who have seen me naked. Who have seen me strip. Who have seen me improvising on the floor, touching myself. And I have seen them. These are the people who I discuss make-up with. Or which bra makes the breasts bigger. Or where to find sexy dresses. In burlesque, I re-discovered and unearthed my feminine side. My sexy and sassy side. Now, I can’t even imagine going out of the door without make-up. Hell, I have lash extensions and am considering permanent eyebrow make-up to be pretty at all times (it’s convenient when you do all that sport). They know some personal things about me and I have also talked about my athletic goals. We go to events together. But I rarely drink with them (because I don’t drink much at all), I rarely stay out very late (because… training the next day or simply sleepy), I rarely dance myself into oblivion (although I love to dance). For me, healthy lifestyle always wins. We do have fun. I love performing. But yet…

Fitbody gym group

I am currently doing yet another gym challenge. It’s a group thing. Everyone does have their personal programme but we meet once a week on Sunday to train together. We also have a Facebook group where we share our personal challenges, gym selfies, questions about training, and food photos. The support from the group is magnificent and I love it when we accidentally bump into each other at the gym. Then we discuss how we are doing and further motivate each other on this journey. I can talk to them about everything health-related, yet they know nothing about my personal life.

Friends from high school

The fabulous five as we call our Facebook chat group. We met ages ago, with some of the girls already when we were 7 years old. We went to school together and now we all live in Tallinn. They know about my past. They also know loads about my personal life. Yet we don’t spend massive amounts of time together. Different hobbies. Different lives. Two of us have children = family life, other topics to talk about. No one is as serious about sport as I am. And it turns out that being active is a major part of my life, the kind of part that I would also love to talk about a lot as well. I do train every day, sometimes twice a day. We meet when one of us has a birthday, I’m the next one having them over. We also meet at Christmas and maybe for an occasional summer barbeque. Not too much interaction going on.

Sparta running group

Ah, my favourite ones! It’s the kind of group where I can combine almost everything. I can talk about my athletic endeavours. They understand because often they go to the same races. Hell, we go together. We know the same people, we are interested in how Estonian athletes perform at championships. We watch sports together. All in all, the group is huge and I don’t talk to everyone who comes to the weekly training (twice a week at least). However, I have found certain people from the group who I talk to more. We have our Facebook chat group and this is the one I spend most of my time on. This is where I report my daily success and failure or any interesting observations. Feels as if we can talk about anything. Among these people, I feel most at home, most like my true self. This is where I shine.

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