Day 757, Sunday, March 24. The end of the 2nd week at the training camp in Portugal. Should have been a great day, on which I did my easy run already early in the morning to continue enjoying the rest of the day. Maybe catch up all the stuff I had planned to do? But no. I had a minor breakdown. Or maybe not that minor. It involved crying and all. A result of weeks of doing almost nothing, while I had planned to do almost everything. Over-planning? Mere laziness? Exhaustion? Burnout? I don’t know.
After the run and breakfast, I took my book, April issue of Writing Magazine, and my notebook and went out to search for a proper coffee, hoping that I could be productive too. By husband had declared that he’d go for a run and then sit on the beach and read. He, too, seemed worn out. It also seemed that he needed some alone-time. I also didn’t want to be in the room when the cleaners came. Out I went. I walked past the Intermarche supermarket and quite far but didn’t find a better coffee shop than the one I’d already used once before. But at that time of the day, it was in the shade and it was windy! I needed some warmth. Well, once I sat down and sipped my cappuccino, it was quite fine, really. I read the Writing Magazine and scribbled in my notebook. Nothing very substantial but at least something. Afterwards, I returned to the hotel, read a bit by the poolside (because the cleaners were still not done with our room) and went back inside.
While preparing lunch, I started crying. I felt I had done nothing during the last 2 weeks. All the plans I had? All the writing competitions, in which I wanted to participate? All the things that needed to get done? All the unticked boxes in my to-do list? There was too much of everything. Was I asking too much from myself? Just a few days ago, I had complained to a friend that I wasn’t nearly as productive that I wanted to be. She said that I was focusing on running in the camp, which is the aim of a training camp anyway. Maybe it was okay to be present in that moment, that time, that camp. But I wasn’t satisfied with that outcome. How come I had done almost nothing to advance my career, my life, my everything? OK, I had advanced my running, I hoped. The workouts had been tough but I improved week by week. At least something gained.
What to learn from this crying breakdown? Sometimes things don’t go as planned. Honestly, they don’t often go as planned. At such times, it is crucial to be able to let go of the expectations, not punish yourself and then start again the next day. Everything can still be saved. Sometimes a vacation is a good idea. Ah, I’m so bad at vacations! I always want to fill them with productive tasks, such as creating a development plan for our company, etc. Maybe I need to learn the art of letting go. It was quite fun to play board games with friends anyway.
1. Own and live in a house.
Another day in holiday-mode, i.e. I was not productive. Bleh.
2. Write AND publish a book.
Did manage to browse the Writing Magazine and read a bit of Julie Powell’s Julie and Julia.
3. Win a major race.
Just an easy run in the morning, which went well. Received a massage from my husband in the afternoon. Taking care of the body is also crucial for a runner. In the evening, we actually instructed a stretching/acroyoga class as well. Lots of fun, although I didn’t want to do it in the first place. Recovered a bit of my self-esteem by doing so.