February 28, Thursday, my father’s birthday. He would have been 54. Sounds young, considering that I will be 31 in a few days. But he isn’t 54. He never will be. He died at 46. Not anything too tragic. No accident. No sudden death. But it was a shock, nevertheless. We knew he wasn’t fine, he hadn’t been fine for more than 5 years. He was very ill but I don’t think anyone wanted to admit how ill he was. Neither did he. He never let it show how bad he really was. He always told us that he would be like this, half-dead, for many years to come because his heart was strong. Still, in the end, it was his heart that couldn’t take it anymore…
When I found out about his death, I kept my calm for about five minutes. I could even think kind of rationally as I didn’t call my partner right away, knowing he had a class (he was a teacher). I waited a few minutes, called him, told him, and then sat down, my back against the living room radiator. I howled like a hurt animal. Back then, I only had one cat, Miu. She came into the room and was horrified at the sound I was making. But she knew that I was hurt. She came to me and comforted me.
This is still my biggest trauma. I have written about it in more than one form. True stories, made up stories, just a few details… The emotion was so strong back then and when I think about him, I still get a few tears at the corner of my eyes. I cannot stop writing about it. The topic has not been exhausted yet. I do believe that such a big emotion, such a trauma needs to be used. Sometimes it’s hard. I am living it through again and again. It doesn’t hurt as much as it did 7 years ago but it still hurts. He deserves to be remembered forever. I am making him immortal in my stories. Happy birthday, father.
It seems odd to continue with the daily progress report now but the journey needs to go on. Here it comes.
1. Own and live in a house.
It was a bit busy day, had appointments with two customers. Finished a small project as well. Ordered some new supplements to be sold.
2. Write AND publish a book.
I did write a short post for my athlete’s blog (in Estonian) but didn’t get to other creative stuff. Meanwhile, continued reading Gilbert’s Eat.Pray.Love., an inspiration for one of my own stories.
3. Win a major race.
An easy run in the morning. Woke up around 6.30am (finally!) and went for a run at 7.20am. Ah! If all mornings were like this! I felt so alive and so full of energy. Another training in the evening. Speedwork, running drills, and hurdle exercises at the indoor arena. Bought new running shoes too and felt like flying! Early birthday present for myself. Or for my father.