Day 819: Motivation Decline

Usually, I don’t have the Monday blues. For me, it does not matter much what day it is. I am my own boss. Yes, on a weekday it is more likely that I need to go to the office, while at the weekend it is quite likely that I have a tough workout waiting for me. So there is some difference. However, I don’t usually have to rush anywhere. I can set my own deadlines for my own projects. But this can be bad. I don’t always know where I want to go, what I want to achieve. That’s why I created this blog, to get a better focus in my life. To have my eyes on the goals.

I woke up on January 21, Monday, day 821 of my countdown but I didn’t want to wake up. For some reason, I still felt a bit sick. The sun was shining outside but the temperature was -15 degrees. My training plan said “15 km on the aerobic threshold” (hate and love such runs, they are tough but satisfying if I succeed), my work plan said “client at 12pm”. So… the best and most logical option for me would have been going for a run as early as possible. I ate my light breakfast (smoothie) and… went back to bed, slept for 45 minutes, feeling dizzy, somehow got up and forced myself to catch the 11.19 train. It was too snowy and cold to even try and dig out the car from the heap of snow. Possibly, the doors would have been stuck as well.

I didn’t feel at all motivated. I doubted all of my actions. Why the hell am I doing anything at all? Should I get a proper job where someone else pays? Can I continue that freelanced/self-employed bullshit? It doesn’t pay well at all. Should I push on nevertheless and wait until my books start bringing in money? But I haaaaate marketing! And books need to be marketed. Ugh. I was pretty low. I even started hating giving massages, although currently I am doing only the minimum (2 hours on Mondays, 2 hours on Wednesdays) to focus on my writing (lately, I have used that time too much for self-pity).

I hated the world. I hated the fact that achieving my goals isn’t as easy as I hoped. No one is buying those damn books. I am not getting faster at running. Pointless. Hopeless. Maybe just get a job that pays well and get on with it. But what can I do anyway? Degrees in English and writing. Don’t like telephone calls, don’t like too much communication. I can translate but I am fed up with this. a nice career where I could work independently in my own little corner and maybe chat with my coworkers about once a day? Mmm, no.

Anyway, I did go for that run, although I wasn’t sure if I could do it. My husband told me: “Just go outside and start running.” I did. And it felt amazing. Sometimes I think that running and having a training plan provided by someone else is the only thing that keeps me from going insane. Literally. It brings routine into my life. It creates obligations. It makes me do things. I should really have some kind of routine in my life. I should organise my work day. Right now, it’s a mess and I know it. I need a plan for my life. Really. I need to cut my workday into chunks and decide how many hours I should spend on working on a creative writing project, how many hours on blogging, how many hours on administrative business (accounting, etc.). Should. Could. Maybe I will.

Progress Report

1. Own and live in a house.

Due to a motivation crisis, I didn’t get much anything done. I did have a massage client which did mean earning some money.

2. Write AND publish a book.

In fact, once I had gone for my run, I felt slightly better and spent an hour on character sketches for that big complex novel that I outlined the day before. I have a complex family tree, names and birth years invented. Now I need to write short biographies for my characters to make them come alive. Yes, this time I am doing it like this: first bios, then the story. While planning the first two characters for the novel, I kept Frey’s How to Write a Damn Good Novel in mind. I am lucky to have a friend who would recommend and borrow such a book to me! I shall make sure that there is pretty of internal conflict for my characters.

3. Win a major race.

Considering how well that workout went, I can be confident again. I can run fast and long. Can. Will. At least some self-belief restored thanks to that run.

Photo of the Day

Deep and dark winter. On our way home from the train station.

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