Day 874: Children?

I am not really sure if I like children. Yes, I used to dress up in funny costumes and entertain children. I even went to their birthday parties and made them laugh. I was 18 back then and for a short while, I even thought about making this into a career. Yes, me, the introvert, dreamt of playing with loads of children. Performing to them. Being the one person in the room who made the most noise. I used to do theatre a bit. Since I was 15 until I turned 19 and graduated from high school and thus left my hometown. It did help me to grow as a person. I became braver. I became the (quiet) adventurer I am now.

Oh, yes, children. See how I am avoiding the topic, wandering off in other directions? It’s as if I don’t want to deal with this topic. But I am 30. I am married. Surely, many relatives already look at me eagerly, expecting a child to pop out somewhere? Maybe. All around me, girls I knew are becoming mothers. Suddenly, everyone is pregnant. With the first one. With the second one. I still feel I am not ready yet. Do I really need to give up my running, even if it’s for a year? Mind you, a year in the running world is a lot and I am not getting any younger, only slower. Well, not slower, I still hope to improve. It is possible. But it’s also a fact that the younger you are, the easier for you to develop your running speed. My husband says that many women are stronger runners once they’ve had children. Might be. However, it is rather hard to accept that I would need to train less and sacrifice my time for a child. Sacrifice. As long as I consider having a baby a sacrifice, it is not right. I do want to have children. In a few years. Not now. I haven’t achieved all the things that I want to achieve. I want to be a writer. Write things that thousands of people want to read. And then I can have children. Will I be able to get myself together and just do it? Time will show. I do believe that this shall be revealed next year. Whether I can make it as a writer. Already, my classmates love the things I write. They love my style. This has to be worth something. I am worthy. I will do it. I want to. I just need to ditch the things that rob me of time. Translating must go. It does not pay well, it wastes my time.

I will now say something that many people might not agree with. But… I don’t find babies cute. I don’t feel like looking at baby photos, simply not interested, sorry. This could change when I get my own. But for now… they are fat, sometimes wrinkly. I like children more when they have grown a bit, when they are lean. Chubby children are not something I like. I don’t go ‘yuck!’ when I see children but I don’t go ‘awwww’ either.

Kittens are cute. And grown-up cats. Any cats. I could watch cat videos all day. Children and dogs are much the same for me. I like them best when they are quiet and asleep. In fact, I do like nice and quiet children who sit in the corner by themselves, not annoying anyone. Of all the house sitting dogs I have met in the recent months, there are some that I like when they are awake. The German shorthaired pointers Daisy and Rose were, for instance, very well behaved, real ladies, even when Rose made that whining sound while holding the tennis ball in her mouth and inviting us to play with her. I can’t have children without the noise, can I? One day this all will seem tolerable to me and I will have the child. Or two. Maximum two. Not more. First one and let’s see how I can cope with him/her.

Progress Report

1. Own and live in a house.

Didn’t work but agreed to participate in an upcoming project. Continued our house life practice near Swansea. Two cats, just like at home, but much further from the shops or life whatsoever.

2. Write AND publish a book.

Wrote my ‘Tallinner’ piece, typed it in and sent to my coursemates. The idea for my portfolio (assignment at the end of the course) has started to take a firm shape in my head.

3. Win a major race.

Still not perfectly well, still slightly ill. I did go for the run. Moderate pace, 15 km. It wasn’t a catastrophe but not like my best days either. Oh, well, let it be. Considering that we had to wait until 2 pm for the rain to stop, it is great that I got it done at all. I hate going for my main workout anytime after 11 am. It seems so late.

Photo of the Day


This photo is cheating, it’s from two days before. Nevertheless, let it be. Tuesday, day 874 was super rainy and I hardly even got out of the house. No photos. On such days, it is good to look back at the sunnier ones.

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