Day 942: Scars for Life

A few days ago I was thinking about something on my run. I thought about how I had finally managed to pass my driving exam. After 3 driving schools and 13 years of interrupted on-and-off, learning. Am I daft? I don’t think so. I consider myself a rather good driver, careful, to say the least. I know I can become a really good one, conscientious. What took me so long? Were the 3 failed attempts in 2006 truly so awful that I couldn’t continue? That I left it be for 10 long years before trying again? Before the fails, I had been a kind of a star student, I was hoping to graduate with a medal. But then I took up a bit too many hobbies. I became tired. The headaches became more frequent. I couldn’t do my best anymore. And a year before graduating from high school, I failed. Not once, not twice, but three times. I was sick and tired of it all. I didn’t graduate with a medal but did well enough with an average grade of 4.6667 out of 5. Previously, I had had bigger plans. But I did an excellent job at the state exams, lowest score 85, highest score 99 of 100, average 91.5. Nice.

Still, for the next 10 years or so I was doing fine. Great, some would say. I got into university for free (higher education was not all free as it is now), I got into a postgraduate course abroad, in the UK (Bath Spa University, my love!), I started my own company with a man that I later married. However, I do feel that something is missing. I want to do better. And better. And better. I want to run faster, earn more, live in a bigger place. Will I ever be satisfied? Am I ready to achieve this? I broke the spell, I passed the damn exam, I fulfilled my new year’s promise: learn to drive. How long will it still haunt me? When shall I be completely free of that shadow? The things with shadows is… you cannot get rid of them, they are part of you. Can I have a new shadow now? A more cheerful one, please?

Progress Report

1. Own and live in a house.

I admit it, I was too tired for some reason (moody Welsh weather?) and didn’t work at all. Although… a certain kind of paperwork that I did means that soon I shall receive my scholarship soon and can then invest it and let it grow bigger and bigger.

2. Write AND publish a book.

Read quite a bit of Karin Slaughter’s The Good Daughter. I do not particularly enjoy it, especially not the parts of court trials, but somehow I don’t want to quit. I want to get to the twists, I want to be surprised, I want to know the final solution. But it hasn’t thrown me or excited like the previous book, The Dead Ex which really moved me and made me feel for the characters. Or the other thrillers that I read at home, such as the surprising The Couple Next Door, the London tube story I See You, or I Let You Go, which was so fascinating that I “stole” it from our Airbnb and literally couldn’t sleep because all I wanted to do was to read it!

Started the house sitting diary on the bus to Cardiff Met Cyncoed campus. A long journey, a bumpy journey which meant that I could only write when the bus stopped and it did that a lot! Currently, I am a week behind with the diary. I shall get it up to date just like I did with this blog (no more writing a week’s worth of posts in one sitting) and then I can go on with the other creative stuff. With the story about my adventures in Asia.

Also, managed to get some paperwork done related to my Erasmus exchange. Should be all set now to start the study week on Monday. Creative Writing MA all over again. As if I was back in 2011 again. This time, it will be better. I am with a different man now. Someone who will join me in… 25 long-long days.

3. Win a major race.

A short run. One of those easy days. I was tired. I slept after the run at 11am. What the hell? Probably tired from the previous day’s workout + 26km on the bike. Wanted to rest a bit, so didn’t take the bike to the campus and chose the bus instead. Will be racing on Saturday! Exciting!

Photo of the Day

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Evening in the living room. I am still with the dogs. For another week. Jim’s having a trouble with his paw, keeps licking it while he shouldn’t. Probably itches like hell after the operation.

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